Monday, January 5, 2009
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Semester One
A lot has happened since my first year of college has started: I made some awesome new friends, got busted (and let go) by the campus police, smoked a shit-load more than i used to, reached new levels of tolerance for all different things, spent 400$ in one place (what else, shoes) and then went to Wegmans, yelled at someone twice my height, called a stranger a bitch by accident (he got upset about that... but he deserved it), watched a movie in the woods, got hung up on by a guy, been stalked, and been home to visit the family.
Exams are going on; I've had three so far. Of those three, I failed one, got a C, and haven't gotten the third grade back yet. Oh, and I am "in jeopardy of failing" a class. Of course, it would help if I attended the classes. Which I do. Most of the times. I did actually skip one class to go to my friend's class with her, and got back to my lecture just in time for attendance and to hand my paper in. But I got attendance.
So you would think that not seeing me more would make my parents nicer towards me, in some way to make me want to come home more often. Somehow, that's not the case, which doesn't actually surprise me. But every time I come home, or even just talk to my family, they frustrate me so much I want to hurt myself. But I try to get over it by not caring too much. Apathy is taking over. Oh well, I still put the fun in my dysfunctional family.
Exams are going on; I've had three so far. Of those three, I failed one, got a C, and haven't gotten the third grade back yet. Oh, and I am "in jeopardy of failing" a class. Of course, it would help if I attended the classes. Which I do. Most of the times. I did actually skip one class to go to my friend's class with her, and got back to my lecture just in time for attendance and to hand my paper in. But I got attendance.
So you would think that not seeing me more would make my parents nicer towards me, in some way to make me want to come home more often. Somehow, that's not the case, which doesn't actually surprise me. But every time I come home, or even just talk to my family, they frustrate me so much I want to hurt myself. But I try to get over it by not caring too much. Apathy is taking over. Oh well, I still put the fun in my dysfunctional family.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Sunday, August 10, 2008
"we're never so vulnerable than when we trust someone"
i originally wanted to write something smart, insightful, and cutting to make a point to a certain somebody. in the time between deciding this and now, i've realized that what i had harboured- not hate- towards this person has somewhat faded.
i'm at a place in my life where the door is open and all i need to do is walk through it. or squeeze through the forever open windows (its a marions thing). i'm leaving one place behind- the place where my hand was held (not really) and everything was taken care of (again, not really)- and getting ready to enter a new world- college. in between, i tried something ... different.
regardless of everything that has happened, the experience was definitely worth it. for everything that had happened, everyone that i met made my summer worth every tear and every smile. yeah, a few bad things happened this summer, but i found ways to deal with them. that's something you can always count on. whether some of them were the healthiest, that's perspective. but most were, actually. don't underestimate me like that. i found a familiar sense in new people and i definitely appreciated that. i also rediscovered a lot about myself that i had forgotten.
recently, somebody said to me that i've chosen the wrong people to trust. at the beginning of the summer, i put my trust in one person, and he was there for me when i needed it. but he also had his own things or whatever, but when i needed him the most, it seemed at the time, he disappeared. how could i have ever thought to find one person to trust? but if you knew anything about me at all, you'd know this: trust is hard to come by, even more so once you've lost it. i've never been able to rely on my family. i grew up taking care of myself and my sister, and sometimes, my parents as well. instead, i've gotten by by putting my complete trust and faith in my beloved friends. i need friends to keep my head up. i take care of them better than i take care of myself, and i love some of them more than i like myself. yea, that might be twisted, but its just how it is, just how i am.
and i needed someone to rely on, somebody that i could fall back on. and when that person disappeared, someone else stepped in, rather conveniently, as it was pointed out. but that one did work out, until i really needed him the most. its in the darkest times that we find those we can rely on, right? well it came to that point. and he let me down, as well as someone else. i was holding a girl, who was crying, and she was trying to describe this feeling. '...it's hard to describe, but, it's like, you count on somebody for so long and you think you can trust them...' but she starts crying too hard to finish the sentence, so i finish it for her: 'but when you need them the most, they aren't there, and it hurts so badly'. we were just hugging and crying for a bit, and i look up, and there he is, the person that let me down, looking at the two of us, not saying anything at all.
it was then that i realised that i had been relying on somebody else as well, someone who had been taking care of me as well. i just hadn't realised it. and a few days before camp ended, i found somebody else. sure, it was only for a few days, but i so wished i had started talking to this person more earlier. i might have saved myself a lot of trouble. but maybe that trouble was something i needed? i don't really know. i've given up on trying to figure it out too.
x. no regrets
i'm at a place in my life where the door is open and all i need to do is walk through it. or squeeze through the forever open windows (its a marions thing). i'm leaving one place behind- the place where my hand was held (not really) and everything was taken care of (again, not really)- and getting ready to enter a new world- college. in between, i tried something ... different.
regardless of everything that has happened, the experience was definitely worth it. for everything that had happened, everyone that i met made my summer worth every tear and every smile. yeah, a few bad things happened this summer, but i found ways to deal with them. that's something you can always count on. whether some of them were the healthiest, that's perspective. but most were, actually. don't underestimate me like that. i found a familiar sense in new people and i definitely appreciated that. i also rediscovered a lot about myself that i had forgotten.
recently, somebody said to me that i've chosen the wrong people to trust. at the beginning of the summer, i put my trust in one person, and he was there for me when i needed it. but he also had his own things or whatever, but when i needed him the most, it seemed at the time, he disappeared. how could i have ever thought to find one person to trust? but if you knew anything about me at all, you'd know this: trust is hard to come by, even more so once you've lost it. i've never been able to rely on my family. i grew up taking care of myself and my sister, and sometimes, my parents as well. instead, i've gotten by by putting my complete trust and faith in my beloved friends. i need friends to keep my head up. i take care of them better than i take care of myself, and i love some of them more than i like myself. yea, that might be twisted, but its just how it is, just how i am.
and i needed someone to rely on, somebody that i could fall back on. and when that person disappeared, someone else stepped in, rather conveniently, as it was pointed out. but that one did work out, until i really needed him the most. its in the darkest times that we find those we can rely on, right? well it came to that point. and he let me down, as well as someone else. i was holding a girl, who was crying, and she was trying to describe this feeling. '...it's hard to describe, but, it's like, you count on somebody for so long and you think you can trust them...' but she starts crying too hard to finish the sentence, so i finish it for her: 'but when you need them the most, they aren't there, and it hurts so badly'. we were just hugging and crying for a bit, and i look up, and there he is, the person that let me down, looking at the two of us, not saying anything at all.
it was then that i realised that i had been relying on somebody else as well, someone who had been taking care of me as well. i just hadn't realised it. and a few days before camp ended, i found somebody else. sure, it was only for a few days, but i so wished i had started talking to this person more earlier. i might have saved myself a lot of trouble. but maybe that trouble was something i needed? i don't really know. i've given up on trying to figure it out too.
x. no regrets
Sunday, July 13, 2008
session one
ended on friday. a few of the girls won't be coming back for session two, and yea, it was kind of sad saying goodbye. especially since one of them doesn't plan on coming back next year, assuming i'll be back next year myself.
this weekend is kind of hectic. i was supposed to have a driving lesson saturday morning but had to reschedule that. aside from that, there was the doctor appt, Andrew's funeral (Bella is not mad at me anymore), the 50th anniversary party, and jono's manhunt game. today was better- a lot less going on. i didn't realise how much i missed sleeping in until three in the afternoon, or how much i needed that rest. (well, okay, so i did come home at eleven but four hours of sleep is still good, right?) came home, went straight to the beach, and i'm finally finally finally home for a big brother night, so there will be some semblance of familiarity tonight. (which means, guess who's going to her first day of college drunk? bahahaha)
so yeah, college thing tomorrow...at 8 a.m. i'm getting back to camp tuesday after bed down, i'm thinking. so maybe ten o' clockish? if i'm taking off, there's no way i'm getting roped into working on my day off, even though i really want to meet the two new girls in the cabin.
about camp...i've never really tried to get into camp drama- you know the kind, the stuff that lasts only for a few months but completely takes over spare time during those months, that everybody seems to know everything the moment it happens, that you cannot escape because it follows you and never sleeps. it's found me. again. but the difference is that this time, it's a residential camp, sleep away and all that fun shit. sooo twenty-four/seven pretty basically. i'm really glad i had this weekend away from camp, to think about things, put things into a better perspective, and talk about stuff to people i haven't really had a chance to sit down and just talk. it's definitely helped. i just don't know how it will be when i get back to camp. but whatever. that's wednesday's problem.
cartwheels,
x3
this weekend is kind of hectic. i was supposed to have a driving lesson saturday morning but had to reschedule that. aside from that, there was the doctor appt, Andrew's funeral (Bella is not mad at me anymore), the 50th anniversary party, and jono's manhunt game. today was better- a lot less going on. i didn't realise how much i missed sleeping in until three in the afternoon, or how much i needed that rest. (well, okay, so i did come home at eleven but four hours of sleep is still good, right?) came home, went straight to the beach, and i'm finally finally finally home for a big brother night, so there will be some semblance of familiarity tonight. (which means, guess who's going to her first day of college drunk? bahahaha)
so yeah, college thing tomorrow...at 8 a.m. i'm getting back to camp tuesday after bed down, i'm thinking. so maybe ten o' clockish? if i'm taking off, there's no way i'm getting roped into working on my day off, even though i really want to meet the two new girls in the cabin.
about camp...i've never really tried to get into camp drama- you know the kind, the stuff that lasts only for a few months but completely takes over spare time during those months, that everybody seems to know everything the moment it happens, that you cannot escape because it follows you and never sleeps. it's found me. again. but the difference is that this time, it's a residential camp, sleep away and all that fun shit. sooo twenty-four/seven pretty basically. i'm really glad i had this weekend away from camp, to think about things, put things into a better perspective, and talk about stuff to people i haven't really had a chance to sit down and just talk. it's definitely helped. i just don't know how it will be when i get back to camp. but whatever. that's wednesday's problem.
cartwheels,
x3
Thursday, June 12, 2008
and other GED equivalents
so i graduated today.
-a pause to let that sink in-
i really still don't think it has. i mean, yeah. i'm done with high school. now what? well, the world awaits. to be more fair, college, and then world domination (i really don't think the people will accept a leader who only has a high school diploma, with the rise of education in the western world nowadays). but, seriously, why don't i feel any more affected? i've always been good at cutting myself off emotionally. and while emotional, i don't really expect too much anymore from most people. so what makes me feel...indifferent, maybe?
i guess i've always had a (way) better connection with my friends outside of school; though, for a good group of them, i see them far less and only when i or they make the heavy effort of getting on a train. and i don't really expect to see a lot of people from my school, as a lot are going to boston for college. (eww, boston) my class was the class that said "eww, ranney", so how many are going to show up for the five year reunion? i don't know. it's too far ahead to think about, but do i think all fifty-seven will show- that's myself included- no. definitely not; i mean, what're the odds? ten year reunion? better chance of more people. i plan to keep in touch with a handful of my class mates, definitely, no matter how forced schedules are pushed. but i guess that's the way it goes.
maybe, and this is what i think the reason for my ...indifference..is, maybe, i already see the world ahead of me, have seen it. for the past some odd years, i don't really feel like i've been going to high school. i hang out with my friends, take train after train to subway after subway, bruise myself in dance class after class, do weird crazy shit with the people who tolerate me (aka my best friends), and happen to go to school during the weekdays. and while i know that is not the world, for the longest time, it has been my world- my world of existential thoughts and clouds and fires and streams and oceans and friends i love. (i was just thinking about all the hookah bars in new jersey...) i also know that a lot of the things i have seen aren't in the 'real world', the normality that the average person lives. i just seem to have really bad luck. and i suppose the people around me would to, by association. as someone said, "i should get as far away as possible from you before i drop dead too".
i don't want to be one of those people who just complain and whine about how fucked up my life is, no matter how fucked up my life will/can *knock on wood* get. but i don't want to live in the future. i want to live now. so my world right now consists of writing about what my current world entails. and it holds in my future summer, promises, hopes, weaknesses, successes and failures, and hopefully a summer job. but right now, i'm celebrating my graduation with one of my best friends and neighbors (yes, i talk to my neighbors) by eating junk food (and some healthy food thrown in for good measure) and watching Weeds, seasons one through three.
hope and fate,
<3
-a pause to let that sink in-
i really still don't think it has. i mean, yeah. i'm done with high school. now what? well, the world awaits. to be more fair, college, and then world domination (i really don't think the people will accept a leader who only has a high school diploma, with the rise of education in the western world nowadays). but, seriously, why don't i feel any more affected? i've always been good at cutting myself off emotionally. and while emotional, i don't really expect too much anymore from most people. so what makes me feel...indifferent, maybe?
i guess i've always had a (way) better connection with my friends outside of school; though, for a good group of them, i see them far less and only when i or they make the heavy effort of getting on a train. and i don't really expect to see a lot of people from my school, as a lot are going to boston for college. (eww, boston) my class was the class that said "eww, ranney", so how many are going to show up for the five year reunion? i don't know. it's too far ahead to think about, but do i think all fifty-seven will show- that's myself included- no. definitely not; i mean, what're the odds? ten year reunion? better chance of more people. i plan to keep in touch with a handful of my class mates, definitely, no matter how forced schedules are pushed. but i guess that's the way it goes.
maybe, and this is what i think the reason for my ...indifference..is, maybe, i already see the world ahead of me, have seen it. for the past some odd years, i don't really feel like i've been going to high school. i hang out with my friends, take train after train to subway after subway, bruise myself in dance class after class, do weird crazy shit with the people who tolerate me (aka my best friends), and happen to go to school during the weekdays. and while i know that is not the world, for the longest time, it has been my world- my world of existential thoughts and clouds and fires and streams and oceans and friends i love. (i was just thinking about all the hookah bars in new jersey...) i also know that a lot of the things i have seen aren't in the 'real world', the normality that the average person lives. i just seem to have really bad luck. and i suppose the people around me would to, by association. as someone said, "i should get as far away as possible from you before i drop dead too".
i don't want to be one of those people who just complain and whine about how fucked up my life is, no matter how fucked up my life will/can *knock on wood* get. but i don't want to live in the future. i want to live now. so my world right now consists of writing about what my current world entails. and it holds in my future summer, promises, hopes, weaknesses, successes and failures, and hopefully a summer job. but right now, i'm celebrating my graduation with one of my best friends and neighbors (yes, i talk to my neighbors) by eating junk food (and some healthy food thrown in for good measure) and watching Weeds, seasons one through three.
hope and fate,
<3
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
and a revelation
i don't care.
i don't care if you talk to me
or don't, as it is.
i don't care if you treat me wrong
because i can take it
no matter how fragile i may- or may not- be.
i don't care if you take my words
and twist them and manipulate them
until you have the right words
that break your heart.
i don't care that you don't care
and that's how it seems to me.
i don't care that you don't feel
the same way i feel about you.
i don't care that you don't
say what i want to hear
or what you want to say,
because you know it would hurt.
but,
i do care about you.
no matter how much i tell myself all this,
my heart feels just that much
lighter and heavier
because of you
and what you've done for me.
no matter how much i tell myself any of this,
i will always care.
i will always care
that you hurt me
and that you could hurt me.
i will always care
that you hollowed a bit of my soul
and took it for yourself.
i will always care
about the stupid and idiotic things you do
and say.
i will always care
that i cannot change this.
but i give up trying to stop caring
because i have realised
that in trying to stop caring
i did.
instead,
i started caring about not caring.
the difference is vast
and extremely
subtle.
so subtle that i did not
notice the change soon enough.
but i have now.
and i have lost a friend.
possibly.
i care about that too.
but i am moving on.
it is hard, yes.
but i am determined
not to let my life vanish before
numbed eyes
again.
i don't care if you talk to me
or don't, as it is.
i don't care if you treat me wrong
because i can take it
no matter how fragile i may- or may not- be.
i don't care if you take my words
and twist them and manipulate them
until you have the right words
that break your heart.
i don't care that you don't care
and that's how it seems to me.
i don't care that you don't feel
the same way i feel about you.
i don't care that you don't
say what i want to hear
or what you want to say,
because you know it would hurt.
but,
i do care about you.
no matter how much i tell myself all this,
my heart feels just that much
lighter and heavier
because of you
and what you've done for me.
no matter how much i tell myself any of this,
i will always care.
i will always care
that you hurt me
and that you could hurt me.
i will always care
that you hollowed a bit of my soul
and took it for yourself.
i will always care
about the stupid and idiotic things you do
and say.
i will always care
that i cannot change this.
but i give up trying to stop caring
because i have realised
that in trying to stop caring
i did.
instead,
i started caring about not caring.
the difference is vast
and extremely
subtle.
so subtle that i did not
notice the change soon enough.
but i have now.
and i have lost a friend.
possibly.
i care about that too.
but i am moving on.
it is hard, yes.
but i am determined
not to let my life vanish before
numbed eyes
again.
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